This is probably going to be one of my more personal posts... And I might regret this tomorrow but I just want to get somethings off my chest. I'm just going to lay everything out on the table and that's just going to be how it is.
Some things are really bothering me, and I've learned from past experience that I shouldn't just let them fester but that doesn't stop me from doing just that. A good friend told me I should write about it here. She said she thinks it would help me feel better so here it goes.
I'm so sick of everyone trying to "help" me!!! I know everyone is just being nice and trying to help, but they have no idea what I'm going through! No one does! I'm sick of people saying hey you should talk to so and so cause they don't eat this too. I don't want to talk to so and so! I don't want to "try this recipe"! I don't want to look into certain things! I just want to stop being told what to do! I want to just live my life! Everytime someone suggests something for me I'm always polite but really I just want to scream "NO!!! YOU DON'T KNOW! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME OR WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH!!! SO JUST STOP!" Then I want to take a deep breath and say "it doesn't matter if your cousin's niece's great uncle's daughter has this too. Everyone is different. They get sick differently, they feel differently, different things work for everyone. No one is the same. But thanks for the offer."
I'm so sick of people saying "I'm sorry you can't eat bread" or "I'm sorry I'm eating this pizza in front of you". I can't eat it! Everyone knows that! So to bring it up starting with an apology isn't going to help anyone. I'm not going to magically not crave it because you said sorry. Just because I can't eat it though, doesn't mean you shouldn't. Please, if you can eat a pizza do it! Don't let me hold you back at all.
Another thing is, I don't want to talk about it. The fact that I can't eat a lot of things isn't my life. I realize that it's a big part of it but it's not my whole life. So please, unless you have special permission like my parents (which sometimes they don't even have) don't bring it up.
Phew I'm all worked up now but I'm glad I got those few things off my chest. Now here's where I get emotional. Phew water works and I haven't even started yet. I'm sick guys. Which you already knew but I'm not getting better. Everyday I wake up at 7:00 I go work out for 2 hours if I can make it that long without my morning sickness taking over. Then I go home I usually throw up then I crawl, most of the time literally, into bed. Then if I can get everything to stop hurting long enough I sleep. Sometimes for 2 hours. Sometimes all day. When I wake up crawl out of bed once again usually literally I try and find the engery to make myself something to eat. Then to take a shower. Usually the nausea is gone by then and I can start slowly doing things like going to work or hanging out with a friend or going grocery shopping or cleaning my house. Then I come home go to bed and start the same thing over again. Do you know how depressing it is to wake up and realize that the sunlight is gone? That you missed the whole day because you're not strong enough? I can't make any plans, because I don't know if I'll be feeling well enough to do them. I get nervous to drive because when I get a sharp pain it's hard to concentrate, but I do it anyways cause it gets me out of the house. I have to rest a lot on days I have to work just so I have the energy to go. I need to get a second job but I can barely make it to my first one. I am having a really hard time taking care of myself. I feel like I'm just getting worse. I am so trapped inside my own body. And I hate it. I hate my body. I hate that I'm always so sick. That I can't even live because my body holds me back so much. I hate that I feel like I'm in seventh grade again. Back to going to all those doctors appointments and no one knowing the answers. I hate that I have to put my dreams on hold. The Hatter on Alice in Wonderland put it perfectly. I've lost my muchness.
I'm suppose to be moving into an apartment in August in Provo. And I don't know if I can physically do it. My parent's have opened their doors. I could go home, and they could help me fight this thing. But Provo is my dream. But is going home the reality? Tomorrow I will probably be making a pro's and con's list. Calling my apartment and seeing how easy my contract is to get out of. And doing a whole lot of praying. I would love anyone's thoughts on this.
By now you're probably feeling really sorry for me. I won't want pity...okay well a little I do but I am sick of people being sorry for me. I have a great life! I have the best friends and family anyone could ask for! I have a nice job and my coworkers are so good to me. My best friend is always there to hang out when I'm feeling good, and to listen to me cry when I'm not. And at the end of the day when no one else understands me the Lord does. I always have Him. Oh and one more positive thing! The lump on my leg is getting smaller!
I'm sure I'm just having a bad day. A small melt down. Tomorrow I'll probably wake up and think gosh I'm so dramatic sometimes. But hey it felt good to just talk.
Thanks for listening! Love lots!
Jace
Some things are really bothering me, and I've learned from past experience that I shouldn't just let them fester but that doesn't stop me from doing just that. A good friend told me I should write about it here. She said she thinks it would help me feel better so here it goes.
I'm so sick of everyone trying to "help" me!!! I know everyone is just being nice and trying to help, but they have no idea what I'm going through! No one does! I'm sick of people saying hey you should talk to so and so cause they don't eat this too. I don't want to talk to so and so! I don't want to "try this recipe"! I don't want to look into certain things! I just want to stop being told what to do! I want to just live my life! Everytime someone suggests something for me I'm always polite but really I just want to scream "NO!!! YOU DON'T KNOW! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME OR WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH!!! SO JUST STOP!" Then I want to take a deep breath and say "it doesn't matter if your cousin's niece's great uncle's daughter has this too. Everyone is different. They get sick differently, they feel differently, different things work for everyone. No one is the same. But thanks for the offer."
I'm so sick of people saying "I'm sorry you can't eat bread" or "I'm sorry I'm eating this pizza in front of you". I can't eat it! Everyone knows that! So to bring it up starting with an apology isn't going to help anyone. I'm not going to magically not crave it because you said sorry. Just because I can't eat it though, doesn't mean you shouldn't. Please, if you can eat a pizza do it! Don't let me hold you back at all.
Another thing is, I don't want to talk about it. The fact that I can't eat a lot of things isn't my life. I realize that it's a big part of it but it's not my whole life. So please, unless you have special permission like my parents (which sometimes they don't even have) don't bring it up.
Phew I'm all worked up now but I'm glad I got those few things off my chest. Now here's where I get emotional. Phew water works and I haven't even started yet. I'm sick guys. Which you already knew but I'm not getting better. Everyday I wake up at 7:00 I go work out for 2 hours if I can make it that long without my morning sickness taking over. Then I go home I usually throw up then I crawl, most of the time literally, into bed. Then if I can get everything to stop hurting long enough I sleep. Sometimes for 2 hours. Sometimes all day. When I wake up crawl out of bed once again usually literally I try and find the engery to make myself something to eat. Then to take a shower. Usually the nausea is gone by then and I can start slowly doing things like going to work or hanging out with a friend or going grocery shopping or cleaning my house. Then I come home go to bed and start the same thing over again. Do you know how depressing it is to wake up and realize that the sunlight is gone? That you missed the whole day because you're not strong enough? I can't make any plans, because I don't know if I'll be feeling well enough to do them. I get nervous to drive because when I get a sharp pain it's hard to concentrate, but I do it anyways cause it gets me out of the house. I have to rest a lot on days I have to work just so I have the energy to go. I need to get a second job but I can barely make it to my first one. I am having a really hard time taking care of myself. I feel like I'm just getting worse. I am so trapped inside my own body. And I hate it. I hate my body. I hate that I'm always so sick. That I can't even live because my body holds me back so much. I hate that I feel like I'm in seventh grade again. Back to going to all those doctors appointments and no one knowing the answers. I hate that I have to put my dreams on hold. The Hatter on Alice in Wonderland put it perfectly. I've lost my muchness.
I'm suppose to be moving into an apartment in August in Provo. And I don't know if I can physically do it. My parent's have opened their doors. I could go home, and they could help me fight this thing. But Provo is my dream. But is going home the reality? Tomorrow I will probably be making a pro's and con's list. Calling my apartment and seeing how easy my contract is to get out of. And doing a whole lot of praying. I would love anyone's thoughts on this.
By now you're probably feeling really sorry for me. I won't want pity...okay well a little I do but I am sick of people being sorry for me. I have a great life! I have the best friends and family anyone could ask for! I have a nice job and my coworkers are so good to me. My best friend is always there to hang out when I'm feeling good, and to listen to me cry when I'm not. And at the end of the day when no one else understands me the Lord does. I always have Him. Oh and one more positive thing! The lump on my leg is getting smaller!
I'm sure I'm just having a bad day. A small melt down. Tomorrow I'll probably wake up and think gosh I'm so dramatic sometimes. But hey it felt good to just talk.
Thanks for listening! Love lots!
Jace
Stay Jace if anyone knows about missing out on dreams its me and i don't want you to miss out on your dreams just try it if anything you can always come home and of course don't take it the wrong way because i would kill to have you home but i think that living with other people and in provo which you love will really help you out plus i believe in you your the strongest, bravest most beautiful person i know and i don't want you to regret your decisions. You can always have the girls find another roomate if things get bad enough it will be okay and i believe in you! I'm glad you got it out lol it's really helpful sometimes...the only times its not is when you feel really guilty about it afterwards!!! I love you and i believe in you i am praying for you and I support what ever you decide!!!
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